Communication is the Key to Success - Darpan Magazine

Effective and healthy communication is an integral part to any successful relationship. Whether business, personal, friendship or love, if two people don?t know how to talk constructively to one another, there is little doubt that the relationship will last.

According to Statistics Canada?s most recent study on divorce rates, just over a third of all Canadian marriages are ending up in divorce with the majority belonging to marriages less than three years old. Marriages that can endure greater than 3 years have a much higher chance of seeing a long and healthy relationship.

Therefore, the emphasis is on working together with one?s partner to understand each other and be able to move forward together.? Anything that has true worth requires hard work and effort; if it was easy to obtain, than it wouldn?t have had much value in the first place. This especially applies to young newlyweds. It takes time, patience, commitment and a genuine effort to achieve a healthy and well balanced relationship. At the forefront of this effort lies sincere and honest communication and practicing effective conflict resolution.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis, describes what he has coined as the ?Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (of a relationship),? which leads couples to divorce. His research explains that anger, which is often thought to be the cause of an unhappy relationship, isn?t the problem but how people deal with conflict itself is far more important. When anger is vented in a constructive way, it re-aligns the relationship back into harmony. On the contrary, when conflict resolution is riddled with ?Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling? (The Four Horsemen), the result is both partners pushing away from one another and if continued for a sustained time, will lead to divorce.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism ? involves attacking your partner?s personality character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.
a.?? ?Example: ?I feel upset that you didn?t pay the bills on time.? vs. ?I can?t believe you didn?t pay the bills on time. You?re so irresponsible.?
?Contempt ? Attacking your partner?s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychosocially abuse him/her. In Gottman?s opinion, this is the worst of the horsemen.
a.?? ?Examples include insults, name calling, sarcasm, body language and tone of voice.
?Defensiveness ? Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack.
a.?? ?Examples ? Making excuses, denying responsibility, refusing to accept blame even though you may have made the mistake.
Stonewalling ? withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be ?neutral? but stonewalling conveys disapproval, distance and separation.
a.?? ?Examples ? Silence, changing the subject, removing yourself physically.
It is natural that all couples will experience these behaviours at different times in their relationship; however, when the horsemen take precedence is when relationships begins to spiral down negatively. Learning to identify the signs of the horsemen will help you overcome them and avoid them in the future.
?Nonviolent Communication,? a principal developed by Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg serves as an effective guideline for partners to resolve conflict in a constructive way. It focuses on self-empathy, empathy for your partner and honest self-expression and is based on the notion that people have the capacity for compassion, but do not always understand how to use it appropriately. The four key components of non-violent communication are listed below:
??? ?Observation ? state the observation of an event that you would like to talk about. It?s important to explain an observation devoid of our own judgements, evaluations or interpretations from how we recall an event.
o?? ??When I come home from work and I see pairs of shoes all over the front of the house.?
??? ?Feelings ? represent the emotional experience associated with the observation. Be able to name the emotion without moral judgement.
o?? ??I feel frustrated when I see the shoes everywhere.?
??? ?Needs ? stating the need that is the cause of the feeling. When our needs our met, we feel positive and being happy comes easier.
o?? ??I need/value when the shoes are put away because that way I don?t trip over them.?
o?? ??I need cleanliness and things to be in order. This is important to me.?
??? ?Requests ? making a reasonable request for an action to meet the need, which has been identified. Making sure that the request stays a request and doesn?t turn into a demand.
o?? ??Would you be willing to put your shoes away when you come home? I?d really appreciate that.?

When one partner clearly expresses how they are feeling without blaming or criticizing while the other listens empathetically without hearing blame or criticism, it makes it easy for both partners to feel understood and come to an agreement. In this way you want to meet your partner?s needs because you genuinely want to, not because you feel pressure to make them happy.

In life, there are going to be conflicts in every situation you face. Learning to effectively manage your emotions, resolve the conflict constructively and communicate empathetically will no doubt improve the overall quality of a relationship. Furthermore, having a happy relationship positively affects each other?s moods, personality, self-esteem, confidence and overall health. Hence, invest the time, commitment and resources into building a strong relationship. Why not? Your partner is definitely worth the effort and so are you!

bill maher seabiscuit dingo nba all star weekend malin akerman jeff carter chomp