Step parenting is very common these days but that does not mean that we are aware of how to make it work and the worse thing is; it will affect your family. You may have found that ?yours, mine and ours? is really a very amusing movie plot but it happens in a real-life home, it will not make a very harmonious one.
If you have read any ?stepmother? stories when you were younger (and you probably would have), you would associate them with being wicked. That is probably one of the reasons why being a stepparent is never an easy task, regardless of how good your intentions are and it does not matter if you are step-dad or a step-mum. Chances are, you would be viewed as the enemy!
Especially when you have older kids, children will try to carve out their territory the moment the ?new parent? arrives in the picture. Very soon, you will find that battle lines are drawn, with the kids making numerous attempts to defeat their stepparent. This will result in an emotional challenge for the biological parent who will be torn between the new spouse and the children.
If it is of any relief for you, most families with step-parents will face a similar situation. In fact, the psychotherapists even have a name for it, ?triangulation? because the kids, spouse and you are triangulating on every issue, just like a triangle with three sides. You can expect to see upheavals in the home most of the time and getting out of such a situation is going to be a great challenge.
However, if you love your spouse and want to save your marriage, you will have to understand the situation and find a way out. First, you have to know that your kids will know the power of ?divide and conquer?. As such, when parents divorce and they get a new parent, the game can get intense, especially at the beginning.
Kids are smart, so they will know that they stand a better chance of driving the new parent out by creating division between the two of you. Since ?blood is thicker than water?, it is not surprising that the biological parent will naturally want to jump to the defense of their child. But will only result in a spousal and parental conflict, which can be detrimental to the relationship between the couple.
As such, it is vital that before the stepparent comes into the home, the couple must come to an agreement on what they will do should they disagree on parenting methods. It is always best that couples have a common ground when they face conflicts in parenting. However, even if they cannot agree, they should never let the children know and settle their disagreements in private instead. Otherwise, once the children are aware that they have divided you, you are in for more ?attacks? from them!
Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that your kids are predators but their intention is to unite their biological parents. They do not want any ?intruders? in the home, and in this case, the stepparent is the ?intruder?. At least, that is in the eyes of your kids and if you want to win them over, it is going to take time but in the meantime, you and your new spouse have to work closely together in order to make the marriage work.
There should also be house rules that you and your spouse set so that any parent can apply the consequences when the rules are broken. In this way, there will not be any discrepancies and it will also give the stepparent more authority when there is backup by the biological parent. Most importantly, there should be an agreement on who should discipline the kids when the need arises. By working closely together, it will make it easier for your children to understand that both of you mean well for them.
Your step family can only grow strong if your relationship with your spouse is strong and vice versa. Thus, if you want to save your marriage and ensure that your relationship stays strong, you will also have to work at uniting your step family. Start off by re-affirming your commitment with each other each day. That will help in strengthening your relationship.
Tagged with: how to save your marriage ? Save Marriage ? step parenting
Filed under: Relationships Problems
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Source: http://www.savemarriage.expertreviewslist.com/step-parenting-tips.html
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